Tuesday, August 24, 2004

My Secret Confessions

So, at age (still in negotiations), I am a full-time, stay-at-home, surviving-day-to-day, almost-optimistic, overly-pessimistic, just-call-me-realistic mother of 3. My children are with me 24 hours a day (which is to say, they: see me pee, invade my shower, impede my soap watching, snatch my food, clean the floor with my toothbrush, and leave me too exhausted for sex with my husband - really, honey.). Most nights I'm too spent for much more than a night of surfing or vegging, popcorn in hand (and between the cushions, crushed under my toes, with a trail to the bathroom, if my husband's decided to share in my company).

As with many, these days, I am addicted to Reality TV, which isn't to say I don't have any standards. I won't watch the "Fall in love in front of America, and swear - through tears and snot - it's not about the money - but stay tuned for my 'Nationally-televised-million-dollar-wedding' next season" shows. That's just trash. I prefer when they lose half their clothes, eat still-coated-with-dog-feces maggots, and pinky-swear their friendship and loyalty in 5 different alliances. That's great TV! Big Brother has never been better. Amazing Race was nothing short of irresistible before Mirna and Shmirna got eliminated. Even now, it's still pretty darn entertaining. Those virgin "Blue Lagoon" models are a hoot!

That's not the worst of it though. I have begrudgingly become addicted to "The Newlyweds" with Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey. Seriously, it's campy. They're over-exposed. I'm thinking it might even be scripted now, but the knowledge that Jessica's dad is a producer for the show, makes me drop that thought for the sheer disgust of it. Have you heard the things Nick says to her? If Daddy Dearest is in charge of that, he should be given some more "charges."

Aside from that, Nick is clearly pathetic. No offense to Mr. Lachey. I still enjoy the gratuitous shirtless scenes enough to overlook his unemployed, if-I-only-had-a-brain status. Really, I could overlook much more, and I'm sure with another season, I'll have to. I'm not real sure, however, who the brains of that operation is, but just seeing where they're at with 'what they've got' makes me feel a little less sure of my own intelligence. On another aside, what's up with the other Lachey brother? Have ever in history two brothers looked more alike while one is hot and one is skeevy? No kidding. Nick is hot, and although my age is undisclosed, I assure you it's not that wrong of me to notice. His brother, on the other hand, is creepy. Seriously, he scares me. He definitely came from the shallow end of the gene pool.

Enough about Newlyweds.

A few weeks back, I lost the remote for a short period of time, which is to say it rested atop the television within my sight, yet out of my reach. And thus lost to me. It was sad. I got over it.

Newlyweds ended and suddenly there was another Simpson on my screen. Yup, young Ashleeeee. Once angelicly blond, now apparently, edgy brunette. I don't know, contrived, but effective, at least to this brunette. I believe her. She's angry. She's the "Shadow" of her sister, literally and figuratively. She's oddly intriguing. She went from fluff girl to vixen with the change of her hair color, and bad clothes. I'm amazed. I have 3 inch roots, and horrible clothing, yet I've never been fluff or vixen. I clearly shook when I should have stirred.

So, Je - Ashleeee is totally different from her sister. She has her own show, featuring prominently, mom and dad Simpson, and hot boyfriend. Je- err Ashleee is totally original. She giggles. She pouts. She sings. She needs to eat a pork chop. Ok, I give up. She's EXACTLY like Jessica. She IS Jessica, with brown hair. (Quick, someone tell Nick, he can have chocolate AND vanilla) Oh come on, you know she would. Both shes, and he. They seem like a close family. It's not out of the realm of possibility, especially if you're a 13 year-old boy alone in your room on a Saturday night. I'm not, but I can imagine. Although, he's probably 18 in my imagination. Mom's guilt prevents the underage from appearing in such fanta - fictitious scenarios.

So, there you have it. I'm the typical American, addicted to reality TV. The big shocker - to me at least (yes I still shock myself. I've breastfed 3 kids in 4 years. My breasts still shock me to this day). Back to the shocker. Yes, I think Ashleeee "what about meeee?" Simpson is the more talented of the two. I know. I'm still recovering myself. It's an odd, odd world.

An interesting PS: Spellcheck wanted to change "vegging" to "begging", "Jessica's" to "cheesecake" and my unfinished "Je" to "Jew". I am now depressed, hungry, and offended.

Friday, August 20, 2004

Welcome to my Blog!

"Point Me To The Exit" is a labor of necessity, born of insanity, nurtured with desperation. It's the story of a mom.