Monday, December 27, 2004

I got SPOILED this year, truly!

I got a pair of Uggs for these cooooold Michigan winters, a day at the spa, a prepaid card to our local Starbucks-esque coffee shop, and a cool book all from my loving husband.

Oh, and apparently a little one that will be here sometime in August. And it wasn’t even on my list. He really should have consulted me on that one first, but it’s the thought that counts, right? RIGHT?

I’m hoping this sinks in sometime before then because every time I attempt to rationalize it now, I start to do this shaking, convulsing thing. It’s rather annoying. Not the surprise, of course, just the involuntary twitching and such. The baby is a blessing, and one that, when I allow myself a moment to really grasp, I couldn't be happier about. For now, those moments are sandwiched between those of sheer terror.

So, how was your Christmas?

Monday, December 20, 2004

Men: They Really Are From Mars.

When will men get it? No, not periods. Not menopause. A clue. When will they understand that there is a fine line they walk with their women, and there are dire consequences if they cross it?

Let me present you with a hypothetical.

So, husband and wife are getting ready for bed together, doing all the usual: brushing teeth, washing off makeup. You know the drill. The wife just happens to be having a break-out of sorts that leaves her not exactly at her most attractive once the makeup comes off. Husbands, should you:

a. Admire her bravery in allowing you to see her in this state and comment as such.
b. Pretend all is normal, tell her she’s beautiful, but suggest you turn off the light to conserve energy.
c. Point, stare, laugh, tell stupid jokes referencing pizza, maps to the stars, or third eyes.
d. Look away. Go on about your business. Keep your mouth shut.

The correct answer? For the love of God, D! Just ignore the issue and move on. A, B, and C might be tempting, but it’s not worth it. Trust me. It’s really not.

We know what we look like. We know you notice. We know you’re just pretending not to see it. That’s ok! But for goodness sake, don’t lie, don’t exaggerate, and don’t joke without knowing her limits. A couple pun-ny quips? Probably acceptable. You might even get a laugh or two. She may even throw in a few of her own. But tread lightly. When she stops laughing, glares in your direction, or sighs and walks away? STOP! Just stop!

Another important fact to note: although the blemishes, sensitivity, and general bitchiness may indicate it’s that time of the month, that’s best left unsaid. You know. She’s knows. There’s really no reason to verbalize it. See again: Dire consequences.

End of hypothetical.

Any questions?

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

“Sometimes children do that.”

After an extremely rough night of two ear infections, one wet bed, and a teething baby, I wasn’t exactly feeling up to being Super Mom today. The morning started out real slow, with me taking a moment to rest both before and after my shower. The kids were reacquainting themselves with Playhouse Disney like never before, and I didn’t even have the energy to feel guilty. I was slowly pulling myself together when my youngest daughter (3) asked if she could brush my hair. She adores all things girly, including makeup, getting her hair done, and twirling in any place at any time, hence her knick-knack name, Twinkle Toes. Frankly, it sounded pretty relaxing, so I agreed. Like any hair dresser, she immediately initiated conversation with her client. It went something like this:

Twinkle Toes: Your hair is beautiful.
Me: Why thank you.
Twinkle Toes: I’m going to brush it like this (gently brushing and separating it into three sections), and then give you braids.
Me: Cool, I like braids
Twinkle Toes: I’m going to give you snails.
Me: Hmm.
Twinkle Toes: First I have to tie them (twisting strands). My friend Sloan showed me this. From a book. One of your books. The one with the Eagle. Then I showed her the snails.
Me: That was nice of you.
Twinkle Toes: Yes. Daddy was angry with me…because I didn’t listen. Some times children do that.
Me: Oh yeah?
Twinkle Toes: Yes, they did it long ago.
Me: Children should listen to their mommies and daddies.
Twinkle Toes: Sometimes children listen. Sometimes they don’t. I learned that. From a book. One of your books.
Me: The one with the Eagle?
Twinkle Toes: (exasperated) No mommy. That one’s about snails.
Me: Yes, I forgot.
Twinkle Toes: You look beautiful mommy.

She spoke in the same soft, dreamy voice the whole conversation, and was very proud of herself when she finished. I was very proud of her as well.

Thursday, December 09, 2004

All I want for Christmas

Dear Santa,

All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth. Really, I want them back. I’m not old enough to be missing teeth. Ok, not missing per se, but those part-ceramic, part-metal, part-whatever the heck they’re made of might be fine for Christmas ornaments, but I don’t routinely adorn my mouth with Christmas ornaments. Yeah, I said routinely.

And well, that’s not really all I want for Christmas. I want a maid. A frumpy one. One that doesn’t speak much English, eats like her elastic has no limits, and dresses in curtains. Yes, I want one my husband won’t find attractive. If I can’t look good while scrubbing toilets – and I really can’t – then the maid can’t either. Hey, it’s my house, and I make the rules. No one follows them, but that’s beside the point. Test me, and I’m sending Mrs. Claus a little present.

I also wouldn’t mind a Personal Assistant, Secretary, Helper, Right-hand Man, Accomplice, Companion, whatever you want to call them. I could use one, and please see description of “maid” when choosing an appropriate one. Come to think of it, maybe one with English as a first language would be better. But, frumpy, plumpy, curtains….yeah, all that still applies.

I could also use a spa visit. Someplace nice. Someplace transforming. Preferably someplace that serves alcohol.

And I would very much appreciate a little something for the rest of my family. Whatever they ask, just get it. It’ll prevent disappointment, jealousy, and maybe even tantrums – for an hour at least, or until that first attempt, or non-attempt, at sharing. But no worries, by then I’ll be instructing the maid, entrusting the personal assistant, and dreaming of the spa.

I think that’s it for now, but know that I reserve the right to change my mind, edit my wishes, ask for more, and complain upon receiving them no matter the present, the price, the effort, or the thought involved. And know that I reserve that right for use before, during, and after Christmas. See: present for Mrs. Claus.

If this goes well, I’ll forever be grateful. At least until next Christmas.



Tuesday, December 07, 2004

Jesus Appears in Dental X-Ray

Well, after the sale of Mary in the Grilled Cheese and Ghost in the Cane, eBay should expect more business with the inevitable auction of this Jesus in the Dental X-Rays.

Because I think my husband incredibly funny, I will share with you our conversation via IM on the Jesus X-Ray.

Disclaimer: The following conversation could be considered politically, morally, socially, and religiously incorrect.

Mike: And lo! An angel appeared before them and stated... 'follow the gold capped bicuspid, for it will take you unto our lord - and a bit of plaque"
April: I appreciate that you say such things when I'm not near you, especially on a rainy day such as today. Lightening is bound to find you.
Mike: or giant Crest Whitening Strips....
April: Phew. I thought for sure you'd go for the Christ Whitening Strips, which is wrong on so many levels
Mike: Three out of four apostles agree "They whiten your teeth, and your soul!"
April: Michael Jackson is said to find them "quite effective"
Mike: Indeed.
Mike: What would happen if this 'Holy Mouth' ate the 'Holy Grilled Cheese'? Would it be a convergence of biblical proportions?

Monday, December 06, 2004

Who says all the good men are taken?

Here you go, ladies. Check out these gems:

*Jack Grimes of Maryland – Admires Saddam Hussein, and has a strong interest in telepathy and astrology.

*Sterling Allan of Utah –Alphabetized and numbered every word in the bible, and says the code he discovered told him how the country should be run.

*Randy Crow of North Carolina – Has a government implanted chip in his brain, and fears being vaporized.

They're all also said to like long walks on the beach, candlelit dinners, and cuddling. Oh, and they all have one other thing in common: they were write-ins for President of the United States on the 2004 ballet!

There ya go. I'm married, so they're all yours. No need to thank me.

*Courtesy of "News of the Weird."

Friday, December 03, 2004


Today feels like a good day for some unabashed, gratuitous bragging. So here goes:

1. My 4 year old understands and practices sarcasm. I'm so proud!
2. My 3 year old can write her name, and is an extremely good dancer.
3. My 17 month old can climb anything, and has taken to pushing furniture around the house.
4. My husband is the smartest, wittiest, most modest man I know. (ok, two of the three are dead on)
5. My new business, which is less than 6 months old, is doing extremely well. Tis the season.
6. My cats have taken to excreting in their litter box. Something that should've been obvious, one would think. One would be wrong.
7. We have a gorgeous new house, freshly built even, with beautiful, authentic, originals, made with only the best Crayola, on many of our walls.
8. We are soon to be the proud owners of a brand new Mini Cooper. Eeeee!
9. Our current vehicle is a purple mini van. This deserves credit for its uniqueness. How many purple mini vans do you see in a day?
10. My husband, although normally well-grounded, has convinced himself said mini van is actually a lovely shade of blue. I'm no longer alone in my lunacy!

There you are, my ten brags for today. Feel free to share your own.

Ready, Set, Brag!

Thursday, December 02, 2004

Pneumonia, the new Flu?

When did pneumonia become so common place? It just made its way through our neighbor’s home, infecting both of her two kids. Now, it’s found its way to ours.

Thanksgiving Day 2004. Little Man (our baby boy) comes down with a nasty cough. He had a very low-grade fever, but we were out of town, and he was acting fine, so we just watched him closely and went on with our plans. For all intents and purposes, it just seemed like a bad cold. By Monday, we were back home and I didn’t like the sound of his cough, so I insisted the doctor see him.

A little background. Our son, now 17 months, was hospitalized for 3 days at 5 weeks old for an unknown infection. This was later realized to be only a urine infection, but turned out to be a warning sign for a larger problem. Essentially his Ureter (connecting Kidney to bladder) is immature and doesn’t realize it’s only supposed to move fluids one way. This causes urine to back up into the kidney when the bladder contracts. The result is an infection. We were fortunate enough to catch this very early on, thus preventing permanent damage to the kidney.

To prevent the infections, he takes a preventative (very small) dose of antibiotics every day, and has routine checks. This is a condition that he should grow out of, and from his most recent tests, we can see he is slowly making progress.

I accept this as a long-term issue with him, and have learned not to worry about it too often, as it only succeeds in stressing me out (and my husband, by extension). However, at the first sign of fever, he has to go to the doctors to rule out any chance an infection found its way past the antibiotics. And having 2 older sisters, there are constantly sicknesses passing through our house. Needless to say, we’ve had plenty of “false alarms” with him. In fact, he’s never gotten another infection since the initial discovery of his condition.

I think I always took for granted his antibiotics, and believed they would prevent him from getting anything too serious. I was wrong.

The doctor listened intently to his chest, and stated with certainty that it was “early pneumonia in his left lung.”

I couldn’t help it. My mind went there. If I had only brought him in sooner. If I had only turned the van around, driven straight to the emergency room, he wouldn’t have gotten this…this Pneumonia. If I had only….

Yesterday, both my girls came down with fevers to accompany their preexisting coughs. That was it. Paranoid mom sent Dad to the doctor with both of them, sure that they would be diagnosed with the same. I was already fretting over how all three of my kids could end up with pneumonia, and planning to implement new hand-washing, vitamin-taking, and general sterilization measures for our household.

Their diagnosis? Colds. Just common colds. Their doctor explained why we don’t need to rush them to the office at the first sign of illness. They are old enough and healthy enough to monitor for a few days before getting too concerned.

A classic case of me, overacting. Not the first time, and surely not the last. This time, they were fine, but pneumonia can be a very contagious illness, so the chances of them contracting it are very real.

Is it really normal for kids to get pneumonia these days?