All I want for Christmas

Dear Santa,

All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth. Really, I want them back. I’m not old enough to be missing teeth. Ok, not missing per se, but those part-ceramic, part-metal, part-whatever the heck they’re made of might be fine for Christmas ornaments, but I don’t routinely adorn my mouth with Christmas ornaments. Yeah, I said routinely.

And well, that’s not really all I want for Christmas. I want a maid. A frumpy one. One that doesn’t speak much English, eats like her elastic has no limits, and dresses in curtains. Yes, I want one my husband won’t find attractive. If I can’t look good while scrubbing toilets – and I really can’t – then the maid can’t either. Hey, it’s my house, and I make the rules. No one follows them, but that’s beside the point. Test me, and I’m sending Mrs. Claus a little present.

I also wouldn’t mind a Personal Assistant, Secretary, Helper, Right-hand Man, Accomplice, Companion, whatever you want to call them. I could use one, and please see description of “maid” when choosing an appropriate one. Come to think of it, maybe one with English as a first language would be better. But, frumpy, plumpy, curtains….yeah, all that still applies.

I could also use a spa visit. Someplace nice. Someplace transforming. Preferably someplace that serves alcohol.

And I would very much appreciate a little something for the rest of my family. Whatever they ask, just get it. It’ll prevent disappointment, jealousy, and maybe even tantrums – for an hour at least, or until that first attempt, or non-attempt, at sharing. But no worries, by then I’ll be instructing the maid, entrusting the personal assistant, and dreaming of the spa.

I think that’s it for now, but know that I reserve the right to change my mind, edit my wishes, ask for more, and complain upon receiving them no matter the present, the price, the effort, or the thought involved. And know that I reserve that right for use before, during, and after Christmas. See: present for Mrs. Claus.

If this goes well, I’ll forever be grateful. At least until next Christmas.

Sincerely,

April